Dr Miriam Stoppard's "God Help Me, Christ This Hurts" Page

Hello readers; it's me, Dr Miriam Stoppard, agony aunt supreme from the Daily Mirror. Take a look at my picture in the corner. Now take a closer look. Do you see? Do you see how my eyes are like dead, rusty holes in a tramp's head? Here are some letters:

My husband and I have been happily married for nearly 25 years. However, of late I have become increasingly suspicious that he is having a gay monkey affair. I found a hair in the bed, which definitely isn't mine, and the other day I noticed what looked like monkey-claw marks down his back. How should I confront him?

Miriam Says:

Don't. He may stab you. Instead, go to a bar. Pick up a black man. Next!

I am a 14 year-old boy, and I think I may have a problem. I just can't stop masturbating. I do it about 80 times a day now; my cock is ripped to shreds, I can't get out of bed, and my body and limbs have wasted away, except for my right hand, which can crush housebricks and ice. Please help.

I didn't actually read this one; I thought I saw an intruder in my rockery. I'll have to give a formulaic answer: Tell him. It's the only way out of this.

Can you hear me? Miriam... I can see you. It's Stan. I think...yes...I've grown tits, Miriam. Big, bouncing tits. Save me, Miriam. Save me from myself.

I think I may have crooked flaps. Some of the other girls at school cornered me in the showers, and threw apples at me, which I didn't really understand. Then this stinking gypsy girl with a mullet hissed something at me, but I didn't understand that either. After they had gone, I looked down and noticed I had what looked like crooked flaps. Is this normal? I am 15.

I am concerned about the behaviour of my next-door neighbours; there is shouting and screaming every night, and what looks like a foetus on the front lawn. Plus, they seem to have orgies with boars (Boar-orgies) with alarming regularity. How should I attempt to resolve the situation?