image copyright kerb / bravo.co.uk

First, I need to get one thing straight; this is not mine. I wrote the scripts, yes, but that amounted to about zero to fuck all percent of the total work that went into it, and certainly none of the charm. That honour goes to the sizeyish length of credits at the end of each episode.

Briefly, because I know you're not that bothered, I owe my part in this series to Jim McNiven of Kerb, a (web) design company in Brighton, who has shown a flattering persistence in getting me to write something for him - even to the point of putting me in their office and letting me sleep in his brother's house. (At this point, it would probably be rude not to thank his brother, Pete, who is a fine drinker, and doesn't mess about in Tesco's).

So I wrote it. And I finished writing it. And the scripts were too long, lacking certain things (plot, consistent characterisation) and an excess of other things (cannibalism, random nonsense). So Dan McGrath and Vince Raison edited, re-wrote, and dusted with me. Most of the time, this worked well. At other times, I felt that the distinctive bits had been removed, simply because they didn't necessarily move the plotline along. We found that you can't squeeze twelve scenes into four minutes.

I managed, however to get one cannibalism reference into it, although it wasn't quite as distasteful as my original, in which Pauli's grief over the crushing of his nephews is tempered only by the richness of their flavoursome texture. This was removed, despite my hysterical pouting and sexy tantrums.

I hope you enjoy the episodes. After watching them all, I'm proud to be a part of it. Each file is about 3 meg, but stick with it - episodes 6-9 are my favourites. As a bonus, the script of the Christmas special, which went unmade thanks to financial faff, is included. Sort of like a DVD extra.

Many thanks to that nice-looking bloke at Flextech who said "Are you Log?" and that weird woman who looked like she could fire pencils out her ears. If you truly do have that gift, weird woman, you are very special indeed.