HELLS KITCHEN

EPISODE 11 : NATIVITY SPECIAL

SCENE ONE : IN THE ICEBOX

[In the icebox, every thing is Christmassy. Snow flakes drift around, and frozen peas frolic around, sliding down the mounds of ice.]

FX

Jingle Bells, Children’s La-la-la.

NARRATOR

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, lipstick, powder, and paint. [sings to the tune of “What do you want to make those eyes at me for”] What do you want to make mince pies with me for? Ah, tis the season of love.

[Ramon, Tasty, and Pauli are talking to McWorter. They are wearing paper crowns.]

PAULI

And then-a, we saw this crazy vision. A picture of a young girl and the mysterious words “Christina Aguilera”.

McWORTER

Ah, Christina Aguilera. She truly is a star. Star quality. Stardom is in her starry, starry eyes. Gentleman, start your engines. Ready, steady… cook. Five star – band. Four star – petrol. Where’s the logic in that? What I’m saying is… Follow the… Follow the Celebrity.

RAMON [nodding wisely]

Seek out the celebrity and shoot it, you say? Shoot it with may guns? You are truly wise.

SCENE TWO : ALONG THE  SKIRTING BOARD

[Cut to a poster of Sandy Toksvig on the wall. The Poster reads “Sandy Toksvig : The Dumpy Years”. Pan down. Mung Foo and Lola trudge across the floor. Mung Foo is pulling Lola in a cart. Lola is looking more bloated than usual. Mung Foo is looking exhausted.]

NARRATOR

And so we join the noble, honest carpenter Mung Foo, and his purdy wife, the Virgin Lola.

LOLA [to camera]

I know. I was as surprised as you when they told me.

[they pull to a stop by the dustbin – party music comes from it]

MUNG FOO

Mung Foo pooped. We stop at this bin for the night.

LOLA

Oh, you’ll spoil me, Mung. I’m about to shoot a little new life out me front arse, and you want me to sleep in a dustbin.

[Mung Foo knocks on the bin. The music zips quiet and the lid opens six inches. Tyrone appears with smoke billowing around him. The sound of stoned cockroach giggling (available on all good sound effect CDs) is in the background.]

MUNG FOO

Let us in. I am pooped and my lady wife is about to blow.

TYRONE

Me kyan help. There’s no room in de bin.

MUNG FOO

Rotten luck! That is the bin, the tin, and the rolling pin, all with no room. We should stop trying things that rhyme with "inn".

[Short scene of overlapped “asking” and “walking” scenes, with Tyrone sadly shaking his head each time, in a different wig. This should create the impression that Mung Foo has asked four different Tyrones.]

TYRONE

No, you damn blood clot’, dere is no room at de bin! Dat's the fifth damn time you ask! Can't you see am tryin' on all me new wigs dat I be gettin' fer Christmas?

MUNG FOO

Oh. OK.

SCENE THREE : IN THE MOUSEHOLE

[Mung Foo and Lola are just settling in.]

MUNG FOO

Has pregnant wife got enough pillows?

LOLA

Yes, thanks, dear. You couldn’t give us a quick tongue massage, could you?

[her tongue slides slowly out of her mouth]

MUNG FOO

[shuddering] There’s no such thing as tongue massage.

LOLA

Suit yourself. Your loss.

[Tasty, Pauli and Ramon enter]

TASTY

‘Ave you seen Christina Aguilera knockin’ about? We bring her many gifts.

MUNG FOO

No. It is just Mung Foo - me - and his – my – pregnant wife.

PAULI

What, you two had sex?

MUNG FOO

Not quite. It was Immaculate Conception Special Move. God did most of work. Mung Foo was essentially Holy Fluffer.

LOLA

Be a darling and catch this for us, love.

[A slow, sphincteresque animation of a tiny tomato squeezing out of Lola. It drops to the floor. Everyone looks at each other.]

TASTY

That’s put me right off my kippers.

RAMON

You might as well have the gifts. Christina Aguilera nowhere to be seen.

TASTY

Here. Here’s twenty of of me golden sovereigns. You wear two of those on each finger, little ‘un, and people will always know that you are a wanker.

PAULI

Here. Some Frankincence.

LOLA

[nonplussed] Oh, thanks very much. [she looks it over, and hands it to Mung Foo. Mung Foo looks at it, then pops it in his mouth.]

MUNG FOO

Mm. Taste like Moroccan duvet.

RAMON

And now the final gift. The gift of mhyrr...

[he continues the "rrrr" sound as this brief exchange occurs]

PAULI

[to Tasty] This should be a fine ending.

TASTY

Yes. You can always rely on Ramon to come up with a top notch punchline.

RAMON

...rrr dur! Mhyrrderr! Murder!

[As in Ramon and the Toy Soldiers, Ramon goes on a rampage. Ramon and Tasty watch approvingly.

TASTY

Do you see what he did, there?

PAULI

Masterful.

[Ramon's carnage dies down.]

RAMON

[hysterically] Murder! Myrrh. Dur. You see.

LITTLE BABY JESUS

[glowing] Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

[pause]

ALL

Aaaah.

SCENE FOUR : THE MORAL

[Seperate grotto scene. A sweaty priest beetroot dabs at his forehead. He is the same creepy beetroot from Happy Birthday Mung Foo and Seance. He is wearing a yellowed Santa beard and has a couple of sweetcorn cheerfully bouncing on his lap.]

BEETROOT

What do you want for Christmas? A Mini-Disc walkman, you say? What's one of them, then? Are they like love eggs? The things that give you a secret smile when you pop them in your... [noticing the camera, he snaps to normal behaviour and the sweetcorn hop off, whimpering] Oh! Heavens, viewers. Haven't we had fun, today? And we've learned a valuable lesson, as well. And that lesson was "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Which obviously doesn't apply to some things, such as nipple torture, or pressing your eyes into your head until you see shapes. Unless you've taken precautions - a couple of elastoplast and some Rennies, at least. It's just common sense, really. Have a delightful Christmas.