I've had to remove this letter after a complaint from the legal department at NCC to the good and lovely people of Pipex.

Here is the text of the letter, in easy, unactionable text. I think.

Dear Mr Peacock,

Further to our telephone conversation, I am writing on behalf of the Nottingham City Council to invite you outside after work. Our Finance Department, over the course of the day, has noticed with growing annoyance the way that your Building Regulations department has been looking at it, and I, as the Lady Mayoress, must insist that you take what's coming to you.

Please inform your council and boroughs to meet us in Birmingham, where the neutral district of Bromley will hold our coats. To avoid any unpleasant surprises, I should inform you that our mayor (my husband) is a black, and therefore fully versed in the arts of voodoo and cannibalism.

I have already begun the cumbersome metaphorical process of rolling up our council's sleeves, and a number of our district councils are gathering behind the A42 and babbling excitedly. It would be to your advantage if you started filing the proper forms of preparation yourself. I feel it only sporting to offer you a fighting chance, especially considering that it is widely known around here that your local government punches like a girl.

I have had a report from our IT department that you shag cats. Is that true? Do you shag cats? I shall ignore the constraints of the letter writing medium, and take your silence as an implicit admission that you do, indeed, shag cats.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any queries, apart from your dad.

Yours sincerely,

Babs Meningitis
Lady Mayoress