[the four judges sit, chatting. They are talking about their families. Jools 
           is barely participating, he is looking into a Magic Eye book]

Hilary     What about your family, Killian?

Killian    I come from a long line of romantics. All the great lovers were Redgraves. Take 
           old Romanova Redgrave. He invented a foolproof way of getting a woman to say yes.
           The "exploding balls" ruse....

           [flashback to a scene in bed]

Romanova   Come on then.

Girl       What if your wife walks in? I have no ethical problem with this, but scenes are 
           so embarrassing.

Romanova   Don't worry, she's in hospital after an accident. And anyway, the dogs are loose 
           in the grounds.

Girl       Oh, that's all right then.

Romanova   Gerremoff, you mucky cow.

Girl       No, I've changed my mind now. I've decided that this is morally wrong after all.

Romanova   [to himself] Women! [thinks - gets an idea] But I've got an erection now.

Girl       Yes? And?

Romanove   Well, that means my willy's full of love, and if I don't let the love out,
           preferably all over your eyebrows, then my willy will have too much love in it
           and explode.

Girl       Is that true.

Romanova   Very true indeed.

Girl       Oh. Well. I wouldn't want that on my ...

Romanova   .. conscience? ..

Girl       or my bedsheets. You'd better hop on.

Romanova   You're a very considerate girl. [winks to the camera]

           [back to the lounge]

Killian    It was unfortunate that Romanova had to meet such a grisly end.

Mary       How did he die?

           [Killian slows down - the Elm Street children start that "One Two Freddy's Coming 
           For You" song]

Killian    A disfigured child murderer returned from the grave to haunt his dreams. His bed 
           was turned into a giant liquidizer and his guts were spewn onto the ceiling.

Mary       You're kidding.

Killian    [immediately upbeat] Yes, I was. Here's a bag of shiny sixpences for being so 
           clever. [he hands her such a bag] Actually, his face was stabbed off by a white 
           man. I've hated honkies ever since. [suddenly points at Hilary] WHITE TRASH!

           [Hilary drops his teacup in camp surprise]

Mary       How terrible.

Hilary     [still shaken] What about you, Jools? What was your family like?

Jools      [not removing his eyes from the pictures] I was never actually born. From the womb 
           untimely ripp'd, I cast no shadow, I feel no pain, and I can outrun a cheetah. Oh, 
           and my blood could eat through diamonds, like Alien. [laughing] In fact, I am a 
           bloody alien, yes indeed.

Mary       [surprised] He said something. I didn't think he talked.

Hilary     Stop lying, Jools. You are not so impervious to pain. You wear oven gloves, don't 
           you? Why would you wear oven gloves if you couldn't feel pain?

Jools      They flatter my wrists.

Hilary     Do they?

Jools      Oh, yes.

           [he holds out his wrists, the magic eye book remains hilariously in place. Jools 
           is wearing oven gloves and has bodybuilder's forearms]

           [Caption : "Dedicated to all the other people who have used this joke"]

Hilary     Ooh. Nice forearms. Right then, Mary, what about you?

Mary       Oh, it was all go in my ancestry. My father was a member of the middle class, so 
           you can imagine our Christmases...

           [flashback - cut to an angel, pan down to the family around a Christmas tree - we 
           are in Mary's childhood]

Mary       Oh, Daddy! Is it the doll I asked for? Is it the talking doll what says stuff?

Daddy      [correcting her grammar] That says stuff, dear.

Mary       Is it the talking doll that says stuff?

Mummy      That talks, dear.

Mary       [impatiently] Is it the talking doll that talks?

Daddy      That still doesn't seem quite right, darling.

Mary       I don't frigging care. Is it my talking doll or what?

Mummy      [smiling despite everything] Well, why don't you just open it up and see?

Mary       I hope it is. If it isn't I will have an enormous strop on.

Daddy      [sputtering in comic-shock] You're a bit young for an enormous strap-on, dear.

Mummy      Strop-on, Dennis. It's ethnic talk, she's been seeing those Yorkshire children 
           again.

Daddy      Oh, Christ. Sorry.

Mary       Excuse me. It's my Christmas.

Daddy      [stifling his anger] Well, unwrap your doll, then.

           [she finishes opening the wrap - it is the doll]

Mary       I can't believe it. You ruined my surpise, you bastard! I want an enormous strap
           on now.

Daddy      What does the doll say, darling?

Mary       [hiding the doll] Nothing... to you. Bastard.

           [back to the real life in the lounge - Mary produces a doll and pulls the string]

Doll       [Mr T in Barbie's body] I ain't getting in that plane, crazy foo'. 
           [Mary wipes a tear from her eye]

Killian    Out with it, Hilary. You've obviously got something you want to say about your 
           family. Let's just get it over with.

Hilary     Well, since you ask, there's something very odd about my family tree. I don't appear 
           to have one. After being made to realise the terrific importance of family by American 
           chat shows, I decided to try and trace my own. And they're all dead.

Mary       Oh, how sad.

Hilary     More than sad, it's naff. They died in the most pathetic ways. Gwyneth Winters was 
           suffocated when a blanket fell on top of her when she was renovating a vicarage. 
           Subsequent attempts at being a ghost proved to be rather frustrating...

           [FLASHBACK]
           [Gwyneth roams a Victorian house under a blanket]

Gwyneth    [trying to scare a visitor]  Woo! Woo!

Visitor    Good grief, how hackneyed.

Gywneth    [pissed off] It's not bloody hackneyed, it's how I bloody died. Stupid ironic 
           reincarnation.

           [END FLASHBACK]

Mary       She was suffocated by a blanket?

Hilary     Yes. It took fourteen days, because you can breathe through blankets. Anyway, 
           Elspeth was smothered by a baby in her sleep, and Arwyn, well, Arwyn....

           [FLASHBACK]
           [A man sits in a basement, making plasticene snakes]

Arwyn      With my army of plasticene snakes, I will never be alone! [he stops, begins to 
           sneeze] Ahh...ah - aaaah.... ooooh! [it builds, he sneezes and the next thing we 
           see is two eyes hitting the wall

           [END FLASHBACK]

Hilary     Oh, Arwyn. You didn't close your eyes. Oh, and Denzel got cancer.

Mary       Cancer? That's quite serious, don't you think?

Hilary     Pah - he didn't even smoke. How feeble is that? Feebly Weebly Feeble.

           [Killian and Mary exchange concerned glances]

Hilary     Peeble?

Killian    So, what's your point?

Hilary     Oh. Well, they all died on August 25th. Every year, without fail, a Winters dies 
           on August the 25th. Which is next week. As the last Winters alive, I only have a 
           week left until I die. Badly.

           [The lift dings - the Mystery Butcher steps out. The Mystery Butcher is a postman 
           today. He is quite an elaborate man, a kind of more subdued Joker]

All        [except Mary] It's the Mystery Butcher!

Butcher    [throwing four sausages into the air - all catch one, except Jools. The sausage 
           falls behind his Magic Eye book, and there is a hidden commotion and Tazmanian 
           Devil noises as the sausage is consumed, followed by a belch] My babies, my sweet 
           babies, how are you all? Tell me you're all fine, please do. If you don't I will 
           simply scream! [he stamps his feet excitedly]

Mary       [licking her sausage] Who is this?

Killian    He's the Mystery Butcher. He brings us meat.... and more.

Hilary     It's a rather funny state of affairs, really. He makes us play "What's My Line?", 
           and if we lose, then he gets to eat us.

Killian    But we do get free sausages.

I am nextly inclined.