MY COMBAT RAP WITH MC JASPER STONE

ROUND ONE : INTRODUCTION

Roar roar roar! I'm a lyrical panther,
Drinking La Mancha from a plastic cup - I'll mess you up.

Finger finger poke, I'm a rap gynaecologist,
There's no finer rhymin' lips than these right here - you smelly queer.

No points for this round; we just looked at each other and scowled fruitily.

ROUND TWO : GUNFIGHT

I'll shoot your teeth from the gum, put a bullet up your bum;
I'll shoot your gun from your hand; shoot your baby in its pram;
I'll shoot your naughty bits; shoot your mother in the tits;
I'll shoot your hairy cock; shoot the farts that you knock...
I'll shoot off your verucas... so that you can't play snooker...
A bullet in your head! A bullet in your mutherfucking head!

Round to me, after my mum buzzed in and challenged MC Jasper Stone, saying that he rhymed "head" with "head" and that it was a Rage Against The Machine song anyway. My mum is wickedy-wickedy-wicked!

ROUND THREE : ELABORATE RHYMING

I'm going to Milton Keynes, and I'm going to eat some beans, and I'll fart in your face, 'cos I'm ace.

I'm coiled like a snake, you've soiled on a plate, becuase you poo everywhere - even in your hair.

I'm like Sigourney Weaver, I'm a big horny beaver, you want to wash my face? You couldn't take the pace!

MC Jasper's mum, who is really old, challenges me without giving any reason. I can't believe it - I lose this round, and it hadn't even begun! But when I look closely, I can see she's got her hand down the back of the judge's pants! He must be a puppet, like Nookie The Bear, which children used to watch before Dragonball Z. I tell my mum, and she disappears inside her jumper and reappears, naked, behind the judge, and starts kicking people.

FINAL ROUND : ACTUAL FIGHTING

In the event of a draw, we have to fight properly. And even though I'm a year younger than MC Jasper Stone, I have the advantage of eyesight, where Jasper is totally and utterly blind. I keep running around in circles and slapping him until he starts crying. Then I say "MC? CAN'T SEE, MORE LIKE!" and I laugh like a hysterical little bastard.