>Wah wah wah. Hi, my name is Simon Taylor. I am an MC, even though I am only 9 years old. I am the youngest MC in town. My career - so far! - has followed a distinctly comparable path to Doogie Howser MD, who was the world's youngest fictional doctor. However, words are my scalpels, and society is my patient, what has been dragged out of the river for me to cut up and say "it died of self-interest, ignorance, and fear". Then I would look at the camera and say "Have you done your bit today?"

I am often invited to the openings of supermarkets and things; I just have to stand there, cut a red ribbon with an absolutely enormous pair of scissors, and then let people in. Sometimes, if I'm feeling happy, I'll do a little freestyling. HERE IS MY TESCO RAP!

Last week, and this was most odd, I received an invitation to open a creepy old castle on the top of hill. It is always getting struck by lightning, and at night time the howling keeps the whole town awake. Why they're "opening" it, I cannot say. To me, it just seemed like a plan to lure me into a trap, by the MC in the year above me, MC Jasper Stone. He is jealous since I became the youngest MC ever, and also because I can see whereas he is blind. We had a confrontational freestyle about it. Here it is - my words are in red, his words, which was shit, are in brown. READ IT HERE!

When I said no, the mayor came around to my house, on his bike which has mag wheels and trick knuts. I was so jealous, I asked him if I could have a go on it.

"Not now, kid," he said. "I'm very busy. I've got to drive around poor areas with my windows wound up." I checked the coins, to make sure they were not chocolate. Once bitten, twice shy! It was over a million pounds, so I said yes. To maintain my dignity, I said "I do your castle opening, Mr Mayor, but I's not your bitch, and if you be touching my anus-hole, I'll gun you in the ears."

When I got to the castle, it was just me and the mayor. Usually there is a big crowd when I open something, but that is popular things like supermarkets. Big creepy castles is shit! I said this to the Mayor, who ripped off his own head and said "I am not the Mayor, I am MC Jasper Stone! After our MC Battle, I saved up all my money for new eyes. After buying my new eyes, I was driven utterly insane by the new images coming into my head, that my brain didn't know how to process. I wrote a rap about it, and HERE IT IS!

So I followed Jasper into the castle, and he showed me his weird and creepy experiments to benefit humankind. He had hung bananas from the ceiling from metal twine, which were just out of the reach of a number of frogs. As the frogs jumped up and down, the floor moved slightly, massaging a queen bee so that her honey came out of her nose onto a piece of toast. I looked at Jasper, and said "Man, that is bad. Your frogs does not even eat the banana. It is like they jump and jump for nothing."

Jasper looked at me, and shook his head. "No, no, man. You am getting it all wrong. Written on each banana is a number of the secret code. Once they know all the numbers, they enter them into this keypad, and lots of naked lady frogs come out and give them neck rubs. If you had studied your frogs you would be knowing that they are not too keen on the banana eating." So we sang a song, together. THIS ONE!

Jasper looked around the room, his face serious. "This am my life's work, MC Simon Taylor. And now you has seen it, I must kill you." And hey ho, before you know it, I am bound with sticky tape and being crawled over by burrowing maggots. I look closely at the maggots, and see that one of them has the face of Carol Vorderman! She gets everywhere, doesn't she? She said that if I sold my home to her she would bite through my sticky tape. I explained to her that, thanks to my age, I was legally incapable to hold legal title to land, and she said "fucking hell" and started biting my nipples. Had I not know better, I could have sworn that my Carol Vorderman maggot was enjoying biting my nipple.

I asked Jasper why I had to die. It wasn't like I had seen anything, really. Just a load of pampered frogs and a bee. In fact the only dangerous thing I had seen was after he had decided to kill me, which made his decision to kill me damn stupid, if a little irreversible. MC Jasper Stone agreed, but added that he didn't like me much. He then said he would let me go if I swore by the honour of the rhyme not to tell anyone about his creepy castle. Friends - I know when I beat. I